Another Gay Magical British Castle
by Sexy Utensils
Summary: The Utensils are coming to Hogwarts followed [more like dragged], by most of the cast of Full Metal Alchemist, Naruto and Gravitaion? And these girls are... YAOI FANGIRLS! 'cept they take Yaoi to the extreme...
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE:**

**UTENSIL GROUP!**

--------------------------------------------------

Harry Potter is an angst-ridden kid. That is a fact known to all. Dumbledore's currently problem was that the amount of angst Harry was producing hung around him, poisoning his fellow students. His best friends grew more and more unattractive as time went by, and more twisted by their hormones.

And, of course, Dumbledore could find no answer to the problem.

What would your solution be? How would you deal with a student such as Harry Potter?

I would bring someone filled with even more angst and a teacher or two to bash some sense into them.

And since this is fanfiction…

--------------------------------------------------

Harry had a bad feeling, sitting aboard the Hogwarts Express. And it wasn't because Ginny was shamelessly flirting with him. No, it was the fact that two girls were "hiding" behind a seat, cackling evilly. Ron, for once using the small fraction of a mind he has, pulled out some extendable ears.

"…and then we take the pictures! Instant blackmail!" one cackled, followed by a very unusual laugh of "kukukuku".

"And don't forget to get Mr Grungy. Eww."

"AND WE'D APPRECIATE IT IF MULLET-MAN WOULD STOP LISTENING IN ON OUR CONVERSATION!" both yelled at the top of their voices.

Wrenching the plug from his ears, Harry sighed.

It was going to be a long year.

Of course, there was a positive side to the whole thing. ... oh, wait, never mind. Nothing looked very positive to Harry as the two girls descended the steps of the train.

His main worry was the one in ... COMBAT BOOTS? How the hell did she expect to be treated with THOSE things on?

The two of them eyed him with what was pity or disgust, or perhaps a mixture of both. The way they looked at Ron though...

Harry shuddered. He did not envy Ron at the moment...

Speaking of Envy...

Envy burst into the train compartment, glaring at the pathetic humans before him. Especially the red-head drooling over him. Was that guy gay?

"OMFG ENVY-KUN!"

Suddenly, two girls were flying at him, tightly wrapping their arms around him. He felt his ribs snap and regenorate.

One was taller than him, which surprisingly upset him. Or he envied her, as he is Envy. The other... was short. Shorter than...

"WHO IS THINKING THAT I'M SHORT?"

Envy winced. How does he always know?

O'Chibi-san the Hobbit Man stepped forth from the train, looking like a deranged cow. He angrily eyed the kids staring at him with fire in his eyes.

He opened his mouth to defend his vertically challenged state, when out of nowhere two flying balls of girl erupted in a squeal of joy and attacked him.

"What the-"

"EDO-KUN!"

Ed was very uncomfortable. He was even more uncomfortable when they both jumped off him and did something UNSPEAKABLE.

He was grabbed by the taller one while the shorter one grabbed his nemesis, Envy, and proceeded to push them up together so tightly that the tips of their noses were touching.

"NOW MAKE OUT!" the short one cried.

Ed blushed furiously, frantically trying to escape their grip.

"FUCK OFF I'M NOT GAY!"

Everyone fell silent, exchanging looks.

"Suuure..."

"Edo, anyone who wears leather that tight is gay."

"I have a rash on my ass," Ron announced.

Everyone stared at him.

Envy opened his mouth to say something, but Spoons shook her head.

"Don't waste your breath, he's not worth it."

Forks, with a freaked out look, turned slowly away from Ron, and looked at everyone.

"Ignoring Ron's idiotic, random announcement, we move on." She poked Harry.

"You make a terrible butler. Haven't introduced us-"

Spoons counted on her fingers.

"Taken our bags-"

"Showed us our rooms-"

They both advanced on him, screaming.

"SHAVED YOUR MULLET!"

Harry stuttered uncontrollably. Spoons approached him, slapping the greasy boy. HARD.

"Now, bitch, SHAVE IT!"

"You can't treat him like that!" Hermione said shrilly. Both Utensils turned to face her.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT'S WORSE THAN I IMAGINED!" Spoons screamed, covering her eyes.

"GET HER AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! THE FUGLY GIRL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Forks added.

Hermione burst into tears.

The Utensils exchanged looks.

"Good work, Forks."

"You too."

...it was going to be an incredibly long year.

--------------------------------------------------

AT HOGWARTS...

"'bout time!" Spoons scoffed.

"Fucking boat ride had me worried we were going to drown with Tubby here." She patted Ron on the stomach.

Both girls dramatically entered the doors of Hogwarts the way Aragorn entered the castle after falling off of a cliff in the second LotR movie.

Striking heroic poses, they both shouted.

"IT IS OUR DUTY TO SEE THAT EVERY SMEXABLE BOY IN THE SCHOOL HAS AT LEAST, BY THE END OF THIS YEAR, KISSED ANOTHER SMEXABLE BOY! HUZZAH, MELONS AND BANANAS!"

Ed hit himself in the forehead, sighing loudly. 15 minutes and these girls were already driving his hobbittified self up the fucking wall.

As if things couldn't get any worse, A rugged, greasy man that for once, was NOT Snape appeared, asking for a certain Elven ... what was he saying? Bushie?

Forks glared in confusion, but Spoons knew exactly what the man was saying.

Sitting at the Gryffindor table, Harry gazed longingly across the hall. Whom at? His sworn enemy, duh!

...no, not Voldemort. Voldy is crusty, unlike the utra-sexy Draco Malfoy.

"Harry... did you just call Malfoy ultra-sexy?" Ginny asked, on the brink of tears.

"...I was thinking out loud again?"

Ginny burst into tears, running from the Hall.

"RUN BITCH! RUN AND NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF HAWT YAOI AGAIN!" a pair of very familiar voices yelled from outside the Hall. Harry groaned.

Dumbledore rose to is feet, opening his mouth. Sadly, he didn't get far before being interupted again.

"KISS DAMMIT! I WANT PICTURES TO SELL TO MY FRIENDS!"

Sighing, Dumbledore started to speak.

"Welcome to another year of Hogwarts, blah blah bal, have fun, here's the sorting, llama llama duck."

If anyone noticed that Dumbledore's speech was ... less inspiring than usual, they didn't voice their opinions.

With a dramatic sweep of his arm, Dumbledore announced.

"Students, this year we have some new guests with us that will be staying here with the Utensils group."

"Who are the Utensils group?"

A random kid called out from the crowd.

Before he could do anything, a spotlight hit the Slytherin table.

"To give the world yaoi and slash..."

"To kill homophobes, losers, and steal cash..."

"To denounce the perils of fugly girls..."

"To shave mullets and straighten curls..."

"Spoons!"

"Forks!"

"Team Utensils blast off at the speed of yaoi!"

"Give in now, cuz we know you are gayo!"

"YEOW, THAT'S WHAT WE SAYO!"

crickets

"Wasn't that from Pokemon?"

"Shut up, Neville."

"Pfft, you people have NO APPRECIATION OF YAOI!" Spoons screamed. "THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU WIZARDS! THERE ISN'T ENOUGH YAOI! YAOI YAOI YAOI!"

"...the Sexy Utensils will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year," Dumbledore said, clearly regretting his deciscion.

"ATTENTION EVERYONE! ANY MINUTE ED AND ENVY WILL COME IN AND BE SORTED AND THEY ARE THE ULTIMATE COUPLE!"

"...and?" Draco asked.

"OMFG DRACO-KUN!"

Yes, the smexi Slytherin was heavily glomped.

"Utensils, please sit down," Dumbledore said.

"WATCH IT OLDIE OR I'LL BOOT YA!" Spoons screamed.

"She will. Spoons would boot her own mother," Forks said.

"...she's a bitch."

Finally, the Utensils sat down.

Onto the stage came the first years who have no relevance to the plot. Let's here the Hat's song.

"Oh, you may think I'm just the same Mad Hatter,

But looks can be deciving

And I'm one to flatter

Utensils have come,

Everyone, run

Lest you agree

With their way of yaoi," the Hat sang, before pausing. "What, you want more? Screw you, bitches! You come up with a rhyme for yaoi!"

"Flowery."

"Maori."

"Shoe."

"I still have a rash on my ass."

"RONALD, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FUGLY ASS!" Fred screamed from the crowd.

"I do."

Everyone turned to Hermione.

Spoons waved her hand.

"But you don't matter in this world, so neither does your opinions."

The girls applauded the hat's witty poem with lots of enthusiasm. They then turned to Dumbledore.

"Sir, we renamed DADA."

"Or really?"

"Yes, it is now IYAGWSY."

"Iyagwsy?"

"Yepo."

"What does it stand for?"

"If You Are Yay We Say Yay."

"We also have SBOBYIGFTHS."

"That is...?"

"Smexy Boy On Boy Yaoi Is Good For The Human Soul."

"We also have-"

"Enough, here come the students. Thank god..."

After the Hat was done with the boring and unattractive First years, Ed and Envy came onto the stage.

"ENVY-KUUUUUUUUN! IF YOU DON'T GET WITH ED I'LL BOOT YOU ALL THE WAY TO MERCURY!"

Envy gulped, having been on the recieving end of Spoon's kicks before.

"Edward Elric!" McGonagall called. The short blonde stepped forward.

"DAMN HE'S HOT!"

"I wanna some of that sweet, sweet ass."

Envy fumed.

"I can't wait to sex up that cutie."

Hear the snap? That was Envy's self-control.

"FUCK OFF YOU BASTARDS HE'S MY O'CHIBI-SAN SO GO FUCK YOURSELVES!" Envy screamed, surprisingly not killing anyone.

"GO ENVY-KUN! POSSESSIVENESS IS GOLD!"

Everyone fell silent. Ed crammed the hat over his head, desperate to hide his embarrasment.

"Oooh, what's this? You're 162 cm tall and 15? That's short."

"WHO-ARE-YA-CALLIN'-A-SHRIMP-SO-SMALL-A-HAT-IS-A-MOUNTAIN-TO-HIM?"

"And a temper. Say...are you gay?"

"I'M NOT GAY YOU FUCKING RETARDED HAT!"

"...in denile, right. My, you think highly of your brother. Incest?"

"...gross..."

"Maybe not. Saaaay... a Gate... OMFG THAT'S DISTURBING! GAWD YOU'RE EVEN ANGSTIER THAN HARRY POTTER! So you'd better be... GRYFFINDOR!"

Ed went and sat down at that table, scowling.

"Did the hat really call you gay?" Harry asked, frowning.

"Shut up, retard."

Dumbledore massaged his temples.

"Envy- ... Envy."

Envy gave death glares to the others as he sat in the chair, crossed his arms, and gave a SUPER ULTRA KAWAII POUT which was acknowledged by Spoons and Forks.

But, you see, there was a problem. The Hat would not fit on Envy-Kun's head due to the palm tree like stalks sticking out.

The Hat was very displeased to be stretched out, but sacrifices must be made for those we love... or tolerate.

"Hmm... You have an audible aura of envy about you..."

"Well, why do you think my name is ENVY, ya stoopid piece of cotton?"

"... are you by chance, a little angry with the world?"

"I'm angry at the world if its name is HOENHEIM!"

"I see, parental problems?"

"Like you wouln't believe..."

"I see... Well, you are dark, brooding, gender-confused-"

"Watch it."

"-angsty, and obviously gay instantly making you.. SLYTHERIN!"

"Oh, joy."

"Plus, your hair is green. Slytherin colors."

"Stupid damn Hat, I'm supposed to be with Edo!" Envy growled.

"YEAH HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH EDO!"

"ENOUGH!" Dumbledore cried. "The Hat's decision is final, and dammit I need some booze."

"You got a problem, Dumbles," Spoons said disapprovingly.

"Spoons... you were drunk on sake just last night," Forks sighed.

"And it was because ED AND ENVY WON'T MAKE OUT!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

Envy, grudgily, went to the Slytherin table, slumping beside Draco Malfoy.

"Why the fuck am I here again?" he muttered.

"Let's eat!"

And so they ate.

"So, erm, Ed, does that Envy like you a lot?" Ron asked.

"Apparently, we ARE supposed to be sworn enemies," Ed said, inhaling some corn.

"She's hot..." Ron said dreamily.

Ed choked on his chicken and corn paste (Impossible for anyone but a State Alchemist! It's part of the job description).

"...are you okay?"

Ed bursting into heavy peels of laughter.

"E-E-E-E-Envy's ... hahahahahahaha!"

"Mate, she's not that funny."

Ed bit his flesh hand, trying to supress his laughter.

"Envy's a boy."

Ron fainted.

"YOSHI! SOMEONE MADE MR GRUNGY FAINT! COOKIES FOR ALL!" Forks yelled. Spoons pulled out some sake, taking a celebratory swing before having the bottle stolen by Dumbledore.

Snape, tapping his foot to the upturned beat of Aqua, sat with his feet on the table. He was glad he wasn't the DADA, or IYAGWSY and SBOBYIGFTHS, teacher. No worries between Snape being the Potions Master.

Although everyone was having a wonderul time, it was shortlived as it all fun engagements.

Apparently, someone had said something totally homophobic and was madly thrown into the air by Spoonz, punched by Forx, and booted to near high heaven (or hell) by Spoonz again.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S DISGUSTING?"

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL YOU'RE IN, BUDDY?"

"YOU'RE DISGUSTING!"

And so forth.

Harry made a mental note not to say anything bad about yaoi in the near future...

--------------------------------------------------

_SexySpoons: Yo, people! Please review, and flame if you want. We're just having some fun here, and though other people might get a laugh or two off it. So, REVIEW IF YOU PLEASE!_

_Fifer: (taps chin) I really think that Fred and George should have their own chappy... AW! Anyway, yeah, R&R puh-leeeeze! Oh, and flames will be used to fuel our giant kitchen in which we roast homophobes and people of our dislikes... J/K! Or am I... Think about that..._


	2. First Lesson

_Hey, Spoons here! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and sorry the update took so long. Forks had a spill on her horse and I was spazzing out like a looney. And recruiting._

_So, without any furthur ado, here's the next chapter!_

---------------------------------

The rest of the feast passed, surprisingly, without incident.

The idiots should enjoy the peace while it lasts.

The very next day, as it turns out, the Golden Trio and Ed who sounds very lame and unimportant beside that had Defense Against the Dark Arts. With the Slytherins.

Actually, their entire timetable had been rewritten to include the Slytherins in their every class. This made Ed very, very afraid. Those Sexy Utensils were out to get him, and get him bad.

Sitting patiently beside Ron, Ed awaited his doom. Soon the Slytherins came, Envy passing him with a smirk and a wink. Ed's face went red because ... erm... he was angry. Yeah, angry!

The Sexy Utensils burst into the room. Immediately, the tall one - Forks, was it? - was upon him.

"Edo-kun, we cannot allow you to sit near something so... grungy!" Forks said dramatically. "Spoons, you know what to do."

"KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIII!" Spoons shrieked, lifting Ron above her head and throwing him out the window. "ENVY SIT THERE NOW!"

Envy instantly obeyed.

"Okay, we are the Sexy Utensils," Forks said. "I'm Fifer but you're all to call me Forks."

"I'm Spoons. Piss me off and die."

"Trust me, you WILL die," Forks whispered. Everyone nodded, recalling Ron's attack.

"And if any of you - aside from Envy-kun - touch Ed, I'll castrate you with my boots!" Spoons snarled. Hermione raises her hand.

"What?"

"What if they're a girl?"

Spoons' scowl turned into a sadistic grin. "Know the meaning of a living autopsy?"

Spoons continued to smile evilly at Hermione, who seemed very freaked out. The next moments were filled with dread, suspense, woe, fatigue, DOOM, shrieks, and lots and lots of FEAR.

IT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!

Spoons stalked through the aisles of the classroom leering at some boys, sneering at others, shaking her head sadly at the horribly unfortunate looking ones (i.e. NEVILLE), and smacking others just for the pleasure of it.

They both pretended to do "teachery like business in the back" ("We're going to some teachery like business in the back, so if anyone gets out of their seats, you will be booted to Nepal. Thank you."), but actually they were just planning who to torment next. And Envy and Edo showed up A LOT on their list of victims.

Forks moved forwards, Spoons lingering at the back.

"We're going to ask you all the hawt yaoi YOU'D like to see," Forks said. "Or we'll consider asking."

"Heeeelp!" a voice from the window cried. Spoons' glare intensified.

"Ronald!" Hermione cried.

"Stop right there, fugly girl," Forks said darkly, nodding at Spoons. Going to the window, Spoons yanked Ron up, throwing him at Hermione.

"Never, ever reproduce. Either of you."

"Especially together," Forks added, shuddering.

"Now... you have some book on defense to read. Do that for a while," Spoons said, heading back to the front of the classroom and flopping down on the desk. "I'm goin' to sleep."

Forks took out some huge, thick book and started reading, instantly blushing and giggling. Ed really didn't want to know...

Ten minutes passed.

Fifteen.

Twenty...Ed was really expecting something now...

"GOD DAMMIT! I'M BORED!" Spoons yelled suddenly, glaring at the class. "I DEMAND ED AND ENVY START MAKING OUT NOW!"

Forks sweat-dropped.

"NO WAY I'M NOT GAY!" Ed yelled back.

Spoons raised an eyebrow and countless people coughed "denial".

"Envy-kun wants to," Spoons said.

"AND ENVY-KUN ALSO WANTS TO EXTERMINATE THE HUMAN RACE!"

"...he does? Let's help out, Forks!" Spoons cried.

"...we're human..."

"Oh yeah..."

Harry raised his hand.

"Yes, Mullet Man?"

"It's Harry..."

"Yes, yes, I know what it is."

"Then why don't you call me-"

"Do you have a question or would you like to speak in a really high pitched voice for the rest of your life?" Spoons had spoken.

Harry gulped and shook his head.

"Um... I was just wondering if we were actually going to learn any REAL magic this year..."

The Utensils stared at him, making him feel uncomfortable. Spoons grinned at him. Forks smiled too.

"Why of course we are, Terry."

"Harry…"

"Jerry."

"HARRY."

"Jennifer."

Spoons put her arm around his shoulder (grimacing on contact, mind you) and looked into the air wistfully. She used her other arm to dramatically gesture, as if she was sweeping the sky in a wide arc.

"The magic we're going to learn this year is... The magic of yaoi."

Ed sweat-dropped and banged his head down to his desk.

Hermione raised her hand again.

"What now?" Spoons snapped.

"You do know there's a war around the corner, right? What if we can't defend ourselves?" she asked like the know-it-all she is.

"...you better watch your fuckin' mouth, Granger. I'm not a total idiot and could defend myself against the now-homicidal Sasuke-kun," Spoons hissed proudly.

"...who?"

Spoons cradled her head, before looking up with pained eyes. "Once, there was a pairing even greater than Envy x Ed. Now... that pairing has been torn apart! BY OROCHIMARU! THE BASTARD STOLE SASUKE-KUN FROM NARUTO! And Sasuke was driven insane and tried to kill Naruto-kun a few times. But Naruto still know his love for Sasuke and they had better be reunited and make-out or I'll boot the author up Ron's fugly ass."

"Which is rashed."

"DO WE LOOK LIKE WE CARE?"

Forks decided to go for a different approach.

"Ronald, what would you like us TO DO about said rashed ass?"

"..."

Ron did not have a backup plan, as he was incapable of anticipation for the future. Spoons picked up. She cocked her eyebrow.

"So, you were just talking about your rashed ass for attention?"

"..."

The Utensils looked sympathetic. Spoons batted her eyelashes.

"Why, poor Ronald that is-"

Spoons dropped her act, swiftly booting Ron's rashed rear.

"THE MOST STUPID SELF CENTERED, RETARDED PIECE OF CRAP THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD! I MEAN COME ON-"

She continued as Forks pulled out a book and read, obviously enticed. She ducked as Ron flew over her head and out the window, never once putting the book down, in a very awesome and Kakashi-like coolness. It comes with being a pervert.

Spoons was standing on a desk, one fist held at her shoulder other at her hip.

"AND DON'T COME BACK HERE, YOU FUCKING BUSH BABY!"

Forks acknowledged her, never putting the book down.

"Bush baby? That's a new one."

"Meh, I've been keeping a list."

"For everyone?"

"For Ron."

"Ahhhh."

Spoons snorted, turning back to the class.

"Okay, you want Dark Arts? I'll give you Dark Arts," she said, glaring venomously.

Everyone - Forks included - blinked in surprise.

"You will?" Dean Thomas asked.

"Yes. I know a little of everything and a LOT about yaoi. So, the dark side of what? Yu-Gi-Oh? The Force? Alchemy? Chakra and ninjutsu?"

"Magic would be nice," Draco muttered.

"Draco, you are ever so sexy, but keep givin' me lip and I'll chuck you out the window," Spoons glared.

"Or make him suck on Harry's mullet."

"Or that."

"Teach us about alchemy!" Ed yelled.

"Alchemy is the science of transmuting matter. It is supposed to follow the law of Equivalent Exchange, but according to Hoho-papa (who I really hate) doesn't. I agree. You use your energy to transmute and the Gate then takes souls fro m some alternate world which sucks to make it happen," Spoons lectured swiftly. "Ed here is an alchemist and should stop living in denial."

Forks looked up from her book. "Spoons, you actually know something intelligent?"

Spoons growled, before randomly sitting and pouting.

Silence...

Envy suddenly growled. "SOMEONE MENTIONED HOHENHEIM! WHERE IS HE?"

Ed edged away slightly as Envy jumped on his desk, laughing manically and loudly plotting Hohenheim's doom.

The Utensils seemed not to notice, and Forks looked to the class.

"Let's move on to yaoi." She pulled up a stick of chalk and wrote YAOI on the chalkboard.

"Who can tell me what this stands for?"

Hermione raised her hand.

"Anyone? anyone but Her Fugliness? Please, people! …fine, Hermione."

"The definition of homosexual tendencies, or yaoi in Japanese, is the bond between a male and male human or animal. This interraction-"

"Blah blah blah, thank you. To simplify it: it is wonderful gay love. I will give you something easy to remember:

Y: You may be gay

A: And you will say

O: "Oh my goodness, heaven and hay

I: I love being gay, this is what I say."

Silence...

Spoons clapped approvingly, and gave a "bravo". Forks bowed low, and smiled. The class looked peeved. Spoons looked to Ed.

"Edo, would you like to repeat the line for us?"

"FUCK OFF! "

The Utensils exchanged looks.

"Okay, moving on. We're now going to start with the pairings," Forks said, grinning. Both Utensils started writing across the board. Finally, they moved away. Everyone noticed the cramped writing on Spoon's side, reading;

_EnvyEd, RoyEd, WrathAl, SasuNaru, GaaLee, EnvyEd, FredGeorge, DracoHarry, SasuNaru, SeymourTidus, SeymourAuron, EnvyEd, RikuSora, RoyEd, SasuNaru, YukiShuichi, AuronTidus, NejiGaa, RussEd, Elricest (guilty pleasure), AxelRoxas, HisoTsu, TsuWata, SephyCloud, EnvyEd, SeymourBaralai, RoyEd, SquallCloud, KakaIru, ItaNaru_

Then, written largest and circled;

_EnvyEd_

_SasuNaru_

_RoyEd_

Ed blushed furiously. "HOW CAN YOU PAIR ME WITH COLONEL BASTARD?"

Spoons went starry-eyed. "It's a love-hate thing and so adorable. Like Edvy!"

Everyone's gaze then turned to Forks' side. ..

Forks was deep in thought as she looked at hers.

"I don't know, Spoons. Do you think that Winry is worthy of speaking of?" both exchanged looks.

"She's okay, I guess."

"I'll just take her off. She's just there for cheap drama."

Ed slammed his fists on his desk. "NO SHE'S NOT!"

"Edo, you're gay so it doesn't really matter..."

"I AM NOT!"

Forks sighed. "Winry has been literally throwing herself at you, yet you take no action to it whatsoever. Plus the pants, the brotherly connection, the pants, the advantage of a short stature... the pants."

"ALRIGHT, I GET IT! BUT I'M NOT GAY!"

"Whaever... Anway, here's my side: Envy/Ed, Envy/Roy, Yuki/Hatsuharu, Kyo/Yuki, Kyo/Hatsuharu, Shigure/Hatori, Shigure/Ayame Legolas/Aragorn, Ro/Dan, Arwen/NOBODY, Frodo/Merry and/or Pippin (NEVER SAM) Draco/Harry Fred/George, Draco/Cedric , Draco/Blaise, Blaise/Harry (occasionally)."

Forks beamed and patted herself on the back.

Draco, meanwhile, looked on in horror, and slight happiness, that he was put on the girls' board so many times.

Spoons gasped in horror.

"I FORGOT ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS!"

Forks shook her head. "I 'm ashamed, Spoons."

"...Envy should kiss Ed now." 

Groaning, Ed bashed his head against the desk.

The bell rang.

"Oh, where does the time go? Everyone, you have to write a foot long essay about why Ed should admit he's gay."

Everyone groaned at the mention of a foot long essay.

"DO YOU WANT TO LIVE TO SEE YOUR FIRST CHILD?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

Ed glared at them. "Do I have to do it? It is about me..."

"Well, he's not arguing with us on the matter so maybe this is some twisted way for saying he's coming out..."

"DAMMIT, LEAVE ME ALONE!"

In the rest of his classes, the teachers seemed stressed. All of them moved either Ed or Envy to sit beside each other - no doubt some kind of blackmail. Ed was becoming more and more afraid. How far would those Utensils go?

Ed, being the angsty little midget he was, immediately started brooding over the pain and fear. And when he reached his bed... There were posters of Envy. EVERYWHERE.

"FUCKING HELL!" He screamed, transmuting a blade and chucking a spazz, slashing posters, walls, Neville...

"Did we go too far?" Spoons asked, wide-eyed.

Forks shook her head.

"We couldn't have gone over board! It's... it's not logical!"

"WHY ISN'T HE SURRENDERING TO THE WONDERFUL YAOI SIDE?"

"I don't know, Spoons... I just don't know..."

Ed was done with his spazz attack and stepped over the many bodies of groaning Gryffindors as he exited the Common Room, obviously not caring whether or not he had to stay inside.

A light bulb was placed over Spoons head.

"What the hell is that?"

"It means you have an idea: you know, that light bulb went on?"

She put down the hammer she was aiming at the light bulb.

"Oh... right. I HAVE A PLAN! Let us send Envy after Ed and hope that they... MAKE OUT IN A CONCEALED CORNER!"

She punched the air triumphantly while Forks sighed and obliged.

Sprinting off to the Slytherin common rooms, Spoons booted the stone-wall. It cowered and obeyed.

"ENVY GET YOUR SEXY ASS OUT HER E!"

"WHERE IS MY SEXY E LVEN BISHIE?" Aragorn yelled, galloping around on an invisible horse.

"Not now, Aragorn!" Forks hissed. Aragorn disappeared.

"What?" Envy asked, yawning.

"...Homunculi sleep?" Forks asked.

"With chibis, yes," Envy said, smirking.

The Utensils nodded dreamily.

"Oh, yeah! Ed's gone completely mad and is attacking everyone and anything. Since you're kinda a Homunculus, we thought you should go and restrain him," Forks said.

"You mean I thought!" Spoons snapped. "Look, show Ed how much you care about him. That's definitely a start. Want a romantic line to say?"

"Please."

Spoons whispered one in Envy's hear. Sadly, all his hair got in the way, so she had to repeat herself several times.

"Now, GO! GO AND SAVE EDO-KUN!"

Envy ran off heroically.

"...our obsessions are really growing up!" Forks said tearfully. Spoons agreed, wiping her eyes.

"SEXY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"

Spoons shook her fist. "What the hell is he doing here anyway?"

The Utensils stood still for a minute or two.

"You know... we should probably go after them. I mean, if they get caught, then we can say we had them running around for something or the other."

"Yeah."

Silence...

"Plus they would make out without us watching, taking pictures, and painting it..."

ZOOM! Down the halls they went.

" EDO!" Envy yelled, running up to the clearly insane alchemist.

"NOOOOOOOO GET AWAY MY MIND LIES I DON'T LIKE YOU AT ALL YOU'RE ENVY AND MY ENEMY AND NOT SEXY!" Ed screamed.

" Edo..." Envy started, taking in a deep breath. Why was he doing this? Why was he going to say what that... that boot-happy woman had told him? "I hate everything about you."

Ed's eyes widened. Envy stepped closer, pulling the blonde into his arms.

"...why do I love you?"

All over the school, count less voices went "awwww!" Ed blushed, closing his eyes.

"You came up with that, Spoons?" Forks asked, amazed.

"Hell no. I stole it from a Three Days Grace song," Spoons s aid, squinting into the video camera.

Sadly, it seems that Ed had fallen asleep against Envy.

"DAMMIT!" Spoons cried, kicking a suit of armor.

"Hey!"

Spoons blinked. "Aru?"

Forks sighed. "It's "Al", not "Aru"."

"If you watched it all in Japanese and spoke any of the language, you'd call him Aru too!" Spoons snapped, yanking the head off the suit of armor.

Peering inside, she spotted a brunette boy huddled in it.

"Hey look! He's been there the whole time, stingy kid."

"No, I got my body back! I'm just spying on brother," Al said quietly.

"...do you think Ed is gay, Al?" For ks asked.

"The pants say it all," Al sighed. "That and the pole dancing and feminine pop albums."

" Edo pole dances?" Spoons asked, fainting from a nosebleed.

Forks sighed and slung Spoons over her shoulder.

"You staying here, Al?"

"Yeah, I think I can fake being a small student that was accepted late or something," he shrugged.

"You're normally such a refined, shy, quiet boy..." Forks said, frowning.

"Hey, people change." Al said, gesturing to the snoozing pipsqueak alchemist.

Ed was, naturally, freaked out when he awoke.

BESIDE ENVY.

"ARRRRRGH HOLY FUCKING CRAP ENVY RAPED ME!"

"...shut up you stupid o'chibi-san," Envy groaned. Ed was cute, but why couldn't he be one of those shy cuties?

Several camera flashes went off, and the Utensils were running again.

"GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING SPAZZES!"

"RUN SPOONS, RUN! HE'S ON TO US!"

"WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?"

Neville was innocently walking through the walls when...

"MOVE, NEVILLE !"

"FUCK OFF, NEVILLE!"

The Utensils shoved Neville harshly, ignoring the loud crack. Spoons booted him, HARD.

Needless to say Neville's funeral wasn't that expensive and a nice band played _"Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds"_.

Once reaching a safe corridor, they hid behind a tapestry, giggling.

"He'll never find us in here..."

Suddenly...

"My ass still has a rash on it."

"HOLY SHIT RONALD WEASLEY DON'T DO THAT!" Spoons screamed.

"But it's true..."

"AND I'LL BOOT YOUR HEAD ALL THE WAY TO THE MOON IF YOU DON'T PISS OFF NOW!"

Surprisingly, Ron scurried away in tears.

"Wow Spoons..."

Harry was walking down the corridor when Ron bumped into him, sobbing.

"What is it this time, Ron?" Harry asked, letting out an aggravated sigh.

"Blahyapblahyapyapblahblahblahyapyapblah!" (This is what Harry really hears when Ron talks)

"Really? Spoons made you cry?" Harry asked nonchalantly.

"Blahyapyapblahblahblahblahyapblahblahyapyap!"

"Really? You still have a rash on your ass?"

"Blah yap yap blah?" Ron asked, sniffing and attempting a puppy-dog pout. He looked more like a rabid rat.

Harry sighed. "No, Ron. I will not have sex with you."

---------------------------------

_Thanks for reading, hope you too were on the floor in laughter._

_Oh, and we have a Utensil website now!_

_http/ sexyutensils. webpaint. com_

_Take out spaces and such if you wanna see it._

_Reviews are good, people:hint, hint:_


	3. So very random

_Hey! Sorry we took so long, Forks broke her collarbone and we ran out of ideas for a while – plus I've been being a stingy-Spoons and been focusing on only my own fics. Hehehe…_

_Anyways, here it is! And please note that I'm referred to as Pride for a while by Forks. Currently my nickname (I RP as Pride!Ed), so there!_

_-------------------------- _

The Utensils, finally sure they were going to survive, came out.

"So... who else can we mess with for a while?" Spoons asked gloomily. She really likes Edvy.

"Draco and Harry."

They exchanged evil smiles.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HAWT like me. Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me. Don't cha... Don't cha... Don't cha wish your girlfriend was RAW like me... Don't cha wish your girlfriend was FUN like me. Don't cha... Don't cha..."

Forks and Spoons exchanged glances. Draco sang the Pussycat Dolls? Both shrugged and advanced.

"-'cause if it ain't love that it ain't enough to be my happy home... Let's keep the-"

"HI DRACO!"

"AH!"

CRASH!

"Way to Go, Pride."

"Whoops... ehehehe. You okay?"

"Ow, my nose..."

"Ne, ne, ne, Draco-kun..."

"What the hell are you mouthing about, woman?"

Spoons' eye twitched, her boot rising...

"No Pride! The mission!"

Scowling heavily, Spoons stomped her foot down, trying not to stumble in on the dents and cracks.

"You, Draco Malfoy. We have decided you're going to be paired up with Harry Potter. Okay?" Spoons said, glaring.

"Nooooo! The mullet! Arrrrrrrrggggh!"

Forks nodded, agreeing. "We're going to work together... to shave it off."

Draco put his hand to his chin. "I don't know..."

Spoons twitched and raised her fist threateningly but Forks gently put a hand on her shoulder and shook her head.

"But I really hate him! He's so... HORRIBLE. Yet... if you look past the mullet... when he takes off his glasses he does seem a bit sexy..."

The Utensils nodded in encouragement. "Go on..."

"Okay, throw in laser-surgery and you've got a deal," Draco said.

"What if I rip his eyes out and replace them with Wrath's?" Spoons suggested, smirking evilly.

Draco tilted his head to the side. "Who?"

Forks looked thoughtful. "That just might work, Pride..."

"Wait, who's Wra-"

"Of course, we'd have to make sure that Sensei Izumi didn't see us.."

"True, true.. But she can be easily distracted with some peanut butter and sugar water..."

"..."

"What too much?"

Forks shook her head. "Even for me, Pride."

"Sorry."

Spoons considered an alternative. "We could get Ed to introduce his new boyfriend."

"Future," Forks corrected.

"...but won't we be brutally murdered for befouling Wrath by your friend?" Spoons considered. "Even my booting has no effect on a rabid fangirl bent on vengeance."

"True... better just go with laser surgery and a shave," Forks nodded.

"DRACO! FIND HARRY NOW!"

"OR I'LL BOOT YA ALL THE WAY TO SATURN AND YOU'LL GET SLICED OPEN ON ITS RINGS!"

Draco looked shocked. "WHEN MY FATHER HEARS HOW YOU HAVE BEEN TALKING TO ME-"

Spoons crashed a lamp on the ground, jumped up and down, spazzing out most professionally.

"... And where can I find him?"

Spoons nodded. "Good boy."

"Gryffindor Common Room. Password's "Edo-kun is so clearly gay"," Fork added.

Draco sniggered.

"So... GO BITCH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE OR SPOONS WILL BOOT YOU!" Forks yelled, shoving Draco.

Draco ran off, lickity split.

Spoons wiped her eyes. "Forced boy on boy love. (sniff) Beautiful, just beautiful..."

Draco had a slight detour, however, when he ran into Ron and Hermione standing outside the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Move, Mud Bloods."

"But my ass is rashed!" Ron moaned.

"Yes, and Mudbloods is sooo offensive!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Do I look like I care?"

"Why are you here?" Hermione snapped.

"The Utensil Group sent me to get Potter."

Ron laughed. "Malfoy's scared of the Utensils!"

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Weasel, Spoons is behind you."

Ron burst into tears, running away. Hermione glared, and then followed.

"Git..." muttered under his breath and approached the portrait. "Edo-kun is so clearly gay."

The painting opened without complaint, as it too knew that Edo-kun was in fact, very very gay. Draco climbed inside, and walked into the Common Room as if he had gone there all his life. This freaked out Dean and Seamus who had been "playing an innocent game of wizard chess and definitely not making out."

Draco smirked at then and waved. "Where's Potter?"

"Angsting in bed."

Draco's eyes narrowed. "How do you know what he does in bed?"

Seamus blushed. "Um... RON TOLD ME!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Sure, sure..."

Draco shook his head and waved his hand at the pair.

"You can continue making out, I'm going to find him."

Dean opened his mouth. Draco stopped him with a wave of his hand.

"And yes, I know what you were doing and no I will not tell anybody for I am a nice person."

Dean shut his mouth.

Draco ascended the stairs and opend a random door that had an audible aura of "Angst" "Doom" and "Mullet" surrounding it. Draco found the famous scar-head angsting on his bed, as Seamus said.

"Stupid Edward... getting all the attention just because he's cute, in denial and in a better series than me..." Harry mumbled.

"Oi, Potter, the Utensil want to see you," Draco announced.

"MALFOY DON'T SPY ON ME WHEN I'M ANGSTING! THAT'S ILLEGAL!"

"Uh-huh. Just get up and follow me, you pathetic shit."

His angst levels rising, Harry followed Draco from the room, plotting to make himself shorter.

-----------------------------

:tap tap tap:

Spoons was clearly getting impatient waiting for Harry and Draco to arrive.

:tap tap tap tap:

She was repeatedly tapping her fingers on the table. Forks was engaged in a book about philosophy, something she really didn't understand, but was trying to anyone 'cause she wanted to look smart.

"-up, Malfoy! There's no way in a troll's ass-"

"-don't give a shit about what you think, Potter! It's those girls-"

"-really don't want to hear it right now, okay!"

Spoons sighed wistfully. "Young yaoi blossoming..." she made a blooming gesture with her hands.

"What do you want?" Harry snapped.

"Don't disrespect me, fool. I booted Mr T! AND Chuck Norris," Spoons growled.

"That was fun..." Forks recalled, sniggering.

"What did you want to see me for?" Harry rephrased impatiently.

"Okay Pot-head, sit in the chair," Spoons ordered.

Harry glanced at the chair momentarily, before shaking his head. Forks nodded, grinning evilly. Harry shook his head. Forks lifted her hard-cover, thick philosophy book and brought it down on Harry's greasy mullet. Harry fainted.

"Get a razor each," Forks suggested.

Draco sneered and flinched. "I'm rather afraid to touch it to be honest..."

Spoons raised her hand triumphantly into a fist. "That's why we brought these!" She handed them both some rubber gloves and masks.

Forks smiled. "Good thinking, Spoons. But, how are we going to get past all of this grease?"

Spoons held up different brands of dish soap. "Well, Mr. Clean fights grease and stains, Dawny makes your hands smell like REAL SOAP forevrr and fights grease, and... um... and Cascade just sits there."

Draco looked thoughtful. "Mr. Cleans sounds better. Don't need my hands to be smelling like dish soap to REMIND me of the mu- the mu-"

Forks held up her hand. "You don't have to say the M Word, Draco. Just be glad we're taking it off..."

All nodded in agreement.

"Me first!" Spoons cried, turning her razor on.

BZZZT! The centre of Harry's hair came off, making him look further retarded.

"That looks like fun!" Forks cried, sheering from behind Harry's left ear to the right-side of his forehead. Soon, they were all getting into it, the greasy and vile locks falling away in great shame. They had failed in their evil plan to prevent yaoi.

"Now, the laser surgery," Draco said.

Spoons tightened her boots.

"...what are they for?" Draco asked fearfully.

"If I boot his head hard enough in the right place, he'll stop being blind-ish," Spoons smirked. (U/N: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDDIES!)

"And if I add in a few punches," Forks said, pulling on boxing gloves. Where did she get them? Shut up, it's Hogwarts, it's not meant to make sense!

Draco stepped back, sweat-dropping as the girls went nuts on his future boyfriend. If it all worked out, of course.

RANDOM ENVY MOMENT

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like EDO?" Envy sang, glaring at the nearest couple.

"Yup," the boy agreed. He was promptly slapped.

BACK TO THE STORY

Forks stopped Spoons momentarily. "Spoons, remember, only a few. Remember what happened to Chuck Norris?"

Spoons grinned rather sheepishly and nodded. "Don't worry, just a few it is, but that goes for you as well."

"Got it."

BOOT! BOOT BOOT!

PUNCH PUNCH!

BOOT!

To say that Harry would have the "hangover" of the century would have been  
an understatement...

Panting, the Utensils pulled back. Harry was black, blue, purple and red - all of their favorite colors. And with no mullet, Harry was already starting to look more sexy.

"LIKE MY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIIIIIE!"

"Piss OFF Aragorn!"

Head bowed sadly, Aragorn disappeared. Dumping Harry unceremoniously on Draco, the Utensil walked off, heads held high.

"Now let's go kidnap the cast of GRAVITATION! HUZZAH!"

-----------------------------------

:type type type type type:

"YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKI!!!!!!!"

:TYPE TYPE TYPE TYPE:

"YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKI!!!!!!"

:TYPE. TYPE. TYPE. TYPE.:

"YUUUUUUUUUUUUUKI!!!!!!!"

:PUNCH, PUNCH PUNCH, SLAM!:

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!"

Shuichi fell to the ground, cradling his head whilst whimpering and whining.

Suddenly...

"To give the world yaoi and slash..."

Yuki sighed and lit a cigarette. "Oh, great. Company..."

"To kill homophobes, loser, and steal cash..."

"To denounce the perils of fugly girls..."

"To shave mullets and straighten curls... "

"Spoons!"

"Forks!"

"Sexy Utensils blast off at the speed of yaoi!"

"Surrender now, 'cause we know you're gayo!"

"YEOW, THAT WHAT WE SAYO!"

…

"Who the hell are you two?"

The Utensils face-faulted.

"We're..." Spoons started. Forks smacked her.

"Doesn't matter, you both need to come with us," Forks said, smiling sweetly.

"Yuki...I'm scared..." Shuichi whimpered.

"OMFG! SHU-CHAN!" Spoons squealed, glomping the pink-haired singer.

"NIKE SHUUUU!" Forks added, joining the glomp.

Yuki continued typing.

"YUUUUUUUKI THEY'RE HURTING MEEEEEE!" Shuichi whimpered.

"Mmm-hmm."

Spoons jumped up, smacking Yuki upside the head. "APPRECIATE YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO WILL GET RAPED BY A.S.K. TO PROTECT YOU, DAMMIT!" Spoons roared.

"Go away."

Spoons growled, drawing back her leg. "I learnt a new kick during my bi-weekly torture session...and I don't mean the good bi."

"Karate," Forks translated.

"SAKOTOGARI!"

The blade of Spoons' booted foot slammed into Yuki's face, lifting him from his seat in a very cool slow motions moment.

"SUES!"

Spoons flinched. "S-Shehan?"

A man dressed in a karate uniform with a black-belt so old it was falling apart had appeared, glaring at Spoons menacingly.

"You did it WRONG! It's like... BAM! BAM! BAM!" Each bam was emphasized with the correct technique. Yuki was suffering greatly.

"Hai, Shehan."

"Practice more, Sues! Fair dinkum, if you never do any karate practice you'll always be a yellow belt. We must set aside more time to do the things we love, the things that make us feel good," Shehan said dramatically.

A pale hand tapped Shehan on the shoulder. Shehan looked up to find green hair and a smirking he-she which any fan of the anime knows is a he.

"Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like Edo?" Envy sang.

"...does that involve Goju Karatedo?"

"No."

"Then no, I don't."

SMACK!

"OWN'D!" Spoons squealed. "Envy, you just kicked my karate master's ass!"

Envy turned to Yuki.

"Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like Edo?"

Silence...

Shuichi's eyes had gone all heart-like and mushy waiting for Yuki's response.

His only response was a grunt, clearly he would have a black eye and many other bruises, and a unemotional "Don't care."

Forks held back Spoons who was foaming at the mouth ready to attack him  
again.

Shuichi looked like he'd been hit by a 2 ton truck of misery.

"Your relationship needs some serious work!" Spoons spat. "GET IN THE BAG!"

Shuichi immediately jumped in the large sack. Yuki crawled back up to his  
laptop and continued to type. Spoons handed the bag to Forks and swipped the laptop from under Yuki's fingers, yanking out the cords. Slamming it shut, she tucked it under her arm.

"IN THE FUCKING BAG!" the Utensils screamed.

Sighing, Yuki obeyed.

"Do I have to get in the bag?" Envy asked.

"Is Edo in there?" Forks asked sarcastically.

"Nope."

"There's your answer, Senior Pointy-Hair."

Forks shook her head.

"Honestly, how can you treat him that way? Despicable."

Spoons nodded.

Yuki sighed and shrugged. He got in the bag.

"Hey, Yuki?"

"Yeah?"

"Since we're alone and in a dark, private area...?"

"No."

Shuichi pouted, sulking.

Spoons slung the bag over her shoulder, then realized the weight of two men and dropped it.

"Ouch!" Shuichi cried.

"Stupid bitch..."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME YUKI?"

Forks sweatdropped.

"Okay, Envy, since you're a Homunculi with super-speed and super-strength so that you can punch the ground and form craters, you're carrying them," Spoons spat.

"Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like Edo?"

"Yup. Just, preferably not gay like Edo."

And so, Envy started to carry the bag.

"Do we kidnap anyone else?" Spoons asked.

Forks thought. "Well... Ryuichi, Tohma Seguchi, ... um... OH! NOT MIKA! She's evil..."

Spoons sighed and jotted it all down on a list.

"Oh, and don't forget Tatsuha, we can have yaoi between him and Ryuichi!"

Spoons jotted it down again.

"Well... maybe we can forget Tohma.."

Spoons grumbled, erasing his name.

"Well, on the other hand we will need him for future fights between him and Shuichi over Yuki..."

Spoons ground her teeth, writing it once more, eye twitching slightly.

"I have a rash on my ass."

"Ron, how did you get here?"

"ELVEN BISHIE!?!"

Spoons looked around frantically.

"TOO MANY FANDOMS!"

Everyone fell silent, staring at Spoons. She sighed heavily.

"Okay, Forks, you can organize all the Gravitation kidnapping and such on one condition..." Spoons said cunningly.

"What's the condition?" Forks asked, some-what suspicious.

"You gotta hack off a foot."

"WHAT! NO WAY!" Forks cried.

"Oh, riiight... this isn't the flying car," Spoons said, smacking her forehead lightly. "That we kidnap Sasuke and Naruto sometime and get them back together."

"Deal." They shook hands.

"I still have a rash on my ass..."

Spoons swung back her foot, booting him.

Forks pulled out a graph labeled "Spoon's Booting records"

"Negative 78 by positive 105. That would be about Russia... Nice, Spoons!"

"Thank you, I know."

"Okay, Forks, so you go get Ryuichi and Kuma and whoever else you want, I'm going to Konoha!" Spoons w00ted.

And with that, Spoons reached into her pocket and pulled out a Konoha forehead protector, tying it on with a "Yoshii, dattebayo!"

"UTENSILS WILL UNITE AGAIN IN HOGWARTS! HUZZAH!" the both cried, before ranting about bananas and melons.

"...who do I stalk?" Envy asked.

The Utensils glared at each other.

"ME!"

Envy sweatdropped. "I think I'll -"

"SEXY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIE!"

Envy round-house kicked Aragorn in the face. "SHUT UP WHEN PEOPLE BETTER THAN YOU ARE TALKING! GAWD!"

"...Envy, you're not people."

Scoffing, Envy wandered off somewhere, still carrying Shuichi and Yuki.

"Will he be back?"

"Yup, we've got his precious."

"Hair spray?"

"No, Edo!"

And with one final salute, the Utensils went their separate ways.

Envy tugged the sack.

"You guys weigh a lot for a couple of air-headed freaks."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT YUKI?! YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY YUKI THAT WAY!"

Yuki ignored him and stayed silent.

Envy smirked.

------------------

Forks was on a mission. She had to find Sakuma-san before the deadline, 3 hours. She had to be back at Hogwarts, with victims - I mean guests - in tow, and by darn she was gonna do it!

Except, she had no idea where she was going...

Taking out a cell that had an imprint of a Fork wearing lingerie (aka, Sexy Fork) she dialed up Spoons.

Spoons, on the other Utensil, was doing pretty good. She had managed to reach the Sound Village, and was enthusiastically singing her favorite Naruto theme song.

"WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS! Something something in Japanese FIGHTING DREAMERS! More random words in Japanese OI OI OI OI JUST GO MY WAY! RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, GO! YOU PUNCH LIKE A DRUNKEN RIDER!"

"Who goes there?" a voice hissed. Spoons read the subtitles.

"Ohayo! Watashi wa namae Spoon Kunoichi desu."

"...what?"

"I'm the Spoon Ninja."

"Ah... HEY! YOU'RE FROM KONOHA! ZOMG!" the guard replied.

"Yes... and I'm here to join Orochimaru," Spoons replied.

"Proof, please!"

"Kukuku... Sasuke-kun, you will be mine," Spoons said, licking her lips. The guard shuddered and waved her inside.

"Time for part two!" Spoons told herself.

"SAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSUKE!" Spoons screamed, trying to imitated Naruto. "SAAAAASSSSSUKKKE-TEME! DATTEBAYO!"

No response.

"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEE! HELP ME! DATTEBAYO!"

Suddenly, Spoons heard a familiar evil chuckle.

"OMFG! OROCHI-KUN!" she squealed, before pausing. "Why am I a fangirl for the 50-year-old, pedophile snake-bastard? WHO RUINED YAOI?"

"Who dares enter my village and scream for MY Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru asked.

"HE'S NOT YOURS, HE'S NARUTO'S!" Spoons screamed, drawing her foot back...

The rock sound of "Riraito" filled the room. Spoons sweatdropped, whipping out her cell. A spoon with Mr. Cool hair was on it.

"FORKS I'M ABOUT TO SMACK THE SNAKE PERVERT!" Spoons cried.

Orochimaru stood there, licking his lips.

"What d'ya mean you dunno where they are?"

Orochimaru started to wonder just how long his tongue was.

"Some recording company in Tokyo, there can't be that many!"

Orochimaru started pulling his tongue out. It reached his feet, hung around there before hitting the floor. He kept pulling and pulling...

"Yes, I know how big Tokyo is... you should've kept Shu-chan with you."

Would his tongue ever end? Even Orochimaru was starting to get freaked out... the piles of tongue almost covered his head.

"HE JUST RAN PAST YOU? SHIT! GET YOUR GLOVES ON AND STEAL ARAGORN'S HORSE!"

Spoons then hung up, before turning and finding Orochimaru submerged in his own tongue. She shuddered, before booting him right out of the underground village.

"NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF SASUNARU AGAIN!"

Now then... back to her plan...

"SAAAAAAASUKE HELP ME! DATTEBAYO! HELP ME!" Spoons screamed, trying to imitate Naruto once more. "ITACHI'S TRYING TO RAAAAAAAPE ME!"

Silence.

Spoons flew back, hearing the sound of a thousand bird chirping. Sasuke burst through the wall, his full-body Chidori on and Sharingan whirling.

"Recorded message, yadda yadda, you're a bastard," Spoons said coolly, round-house kicking Sasuke. Even Sasuke looses to a yaoi fangirl in combat boots, and Spoons threw the anorexic-looking teenager over her shoulder.

"TO KONOHA! HUZZAH!"

--------------

Forks frowned at the dial tone emitting from the cellular phone.

"Don't use that dial tone with me, Pri- SAKUMA-SAN WAIT! I'M NOT GOONA HURT YOU!"

Naturally, when a strange girl says she is not going to hurt one very popular Japanese rock star, they have 3 options.

1) Take their word for it and be held captive for the next 50 years until the girl's obsession dies out

2) Pretend to have amnesia and not know ANYTHING

3) Run like hell and hop on the nearest passing by truck/car

Now, Ryuichi Sakuma could have done ALL of these easily. Except, Mr. Kuma wanted a cookie from a nearby bakery.

One can not ignore one's obsession's cravings (Believe you us, Utensils would know), or suffer the consequences.

After a mad dash around a fire hydrant, Sakuma-San was caught, and tied on a leash.

"Why do I get a leash!?"

"Because Envy has the sack."

"Who?"

Deciding this was the best time than ever, Forks whipped out her cell again calling Spoons.

"Konoha shinobi are idiots," Spoons muttered, dragging Sasuke behind her. He was probably getting cut and bruised back there, but dammit, that idiot Uchiha had abandoned Naruto!

...why hadn't anyone noticed a stranger wearing their forehead protector dragging an S-class missing nin?

"HEY EVERYONE!" Spoons yelled. "LOOK WHO I'VE GOT!"

No-one paid any attention.

"NARUTO! I HAVE SASUKE!"

"SAAAAAAAAAAASUKE!"

Sasuke stirred slightly, his lips moving in the form of Naruto's name.

The orange and black clad ninja was fast approaching, eyes wide in joy at the sight of Sasuke. It was a beautiful moment and Naruto was bound to glomp and kiss when...

"Riraito" started to play.

"FORKS!" Spoons cried.

Sasuke had awoken due to the noise and both himself and Naruto were glaring at Spoons.

"Well done, but you ruined the moment!" Spoons moaned.

Sasuke and Naruto started gazing into each other's eyes again, their faces moving closer...

"Okay, okay. Next time ask Knives for help," Spoons concluded, hanging up again. "You two are coming with me."

"No way, dattebayo!"

"Yes, because if you don't, people are probably going to lynch Sasuke, and you don't wanna be split up again, do you?"

Sasuke climbed to his feet, dragging Naruto after himself and Spoons.

-----------------------

"You just got RE-JECTED!"

"You shut up! That bear too!"

Ryuichi whined.

Forks got out her cell phone again and dialed Forks.

A dull "Hello?" was her response.

"Heya, Knives. It's Forks."

"... eh?"

Forks looked at her watch. whoops... damn time differences.

"Oops, sorry, I forgot we were in Japan..."

"It's like 2 in the morning here!"

"I'm sorry... but anyway, you'll never believe who I just caught!"

"Zzzz..."

"KNIVES!"

"OW! WHAT!"

"Never mind. See you at Hogwarts!"

---------------------

And here they were, back at Hogwarts.

"Now, why don't you two make out?" Spoons suggested.

Sasuke and Naruto, to Spoons' eternal joy, complied.

"Oh man this is hawt..." Spoons droolled, filming already.

"Um, Professor..."

"Call me Spoons or Pride, Edo."

"Pride?" Ed asked, blinking in surprised. "YOU'RE A HOMUNCULUS?"

Spoons scoffed. "I wish… I RP as Pride!Ed – figure it out, genius."

"Oh, okay then, that's retarded, but okay."

"Your question?"

"I was just wondering... erm... why Envy hasn't been stalking me today," Ed asked, blushing so cutely Spoons couldn't help but glomp him.

"Awww, you're worried about Envy-kun?" Spoons squealed.

" Edo's worried about me?" Envy asked, randomly appearing. He dropped the sack full of Yuki and Shuichi and glomped Ed himself. Spoons quickly whipped out another camera.

"Now where are the others?"

--------------------------

"-DON'T WANNA GO ON THE PLANE! PLANES ARE SCARY! NO!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

As to three guesses as to who was screaming, I will let you tell me.

1) Tohma

2) Tatsuha

3) Ryuichi

tick tick tick tick

Time's up. it was actually neither. Forks hates flying. Seriously, ever since she saw LOST it has been this whole epidemic...

Tohma sighed angrily.

"We're nowhere NEAR Australia..."

"BUT WHAT IF WE CRASH LAND ON A JAPANESE ISLAND WITH DRAGONS AND OTHERS!?"

They sighed heavily.

Forks continued to carry on until her cell rang.

"Hello?"

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" Spoons yelled.

"PRIDE THEY'RE MAKING ME GO ON A PLANE! PLANES ARE SCARY AND AUSTRALIA AND -"

"...did you just diss Australia?" Spoons asked, her Aussie accent becoming more defined.

"Erm, no, but..."

"YOU AIN'T GO DISSING MAI TURF! Except Canberra, Canberra's a hole. Same with Adelaide. BUT AUSSIES RULE, YANK!" Spoons said, going from gangsta to normal to heavy Aussie.

"... I DON'T WANNA GO ON A PLANE TO LONDON!" Forks cried.

"That's a 17 hour flight from Tokyo," Spoons nodded. She glanced over her shoulder, and squealed. "OMFG! SASUKE AND NARUTO ARE censored SOOOOOOO HOT!"

"AND I'M MISSING IT?" Forks screamed.

"So am I!" Knives suddenly yelled.

"Hey Knives."

"Hi Pride. WHERE IS TEH YAOI?'

"Riiiight in front of me," Spoons said, holding up her trusty cam-corder.

"No fair!" both Forks and Knives pouted.

Smirking, Spoons held her cell closer to the censored-ing couple.

"Fine, expect me there..."

Forks gulped and took a step towards the plane...

Envy meanwhile, had dragged his "sack buddies" all over the school, bumping them down stairs for good measure, but really just to impress Ed.

"Eddddddddddddddddddddoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Envy called.

In an instant, Spoons appeared. "I ditch SasuNaru for Edvy any day! ...and it was over."

"Erm... okay... where is he?" Envy asked, dragging the sack up stairs once more.

"Probably angsting."

"Or yelling."

"Or pole-dancing to Britney Spears," Al suggested.

"Hey Al, when did you get here?" Envy asked, nonchalantly.

"I've been following brother for a while now," Al shrugged.

"ARU!" Spoons cried. "Why do you cosplay as Edo in the crappy movie which I didn't like because it sucked?"

"Please stop calling me "Aru", Miss Spoons, it's disturbing."

"B-b-but I watched the Japanese version, Aru!" Spoons protested.

"Then who am I?" Envy asked.

"Envii."

Envy sniggered. "Say it again"

"You're Envii, and you actually sound like a guy in the Japanese dub!"

"...true."

"Let's find brother already," Al sighed.

"Hey, Spoons, what's Edo's name in Japanese?"

"Edowardu Elriic."

Envy exploded into laughter. "Edowardu? That sounds like a condom brand! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Keep your fantasies about brother to yourself, Envy," Al squeaked.

"No! I wanna hear 'em!"

Al sweatdropped.

"...Yuki...we're still alone in a dark, confined space..." Shuichi whispered.

"No."

"C'mon! It'll be kinky!"

"NEITHER OF YOU ARE COMING OUT OF THERE UNTIL YUKI CONFESSES HIS UNDYING LOVE FOR SHU-CHAN IN A BEAUTIFUL AND YAOI-FILLED MOMENT!" Spoons said, sounding a lot like Rock Lee or Gai-sensei speaking of the passionate flame of youth. She even had the nice-guy pose.

"...no," Yuki huffed.

"YUKI DOESN'T LOVE ME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Shuichi cried.

"YOU BASTARD!" Spoons screamed, booting the bag away.

"SEXY ELVEN BIIIIIIISHIIIIIIIIIIE! WHERE IS HE?" Aragorn screamed.

"Where ever all the elves hang out to be cool! Not here!" Spoons snapped.

"...I want to see my sexy elven bishie as a house-elf..." Aragorn drooled.

A sudden crash sounded.

"I HAVE ARRIVED WITH POP STARS IN TOW! AND GUESS WHAT!? WE DIDN'T CRASH!"

Spoons sighed as Forks bounced in, Knives behind and the prisoners- I mean VIP guests after.

"Ooo... castle... oooo... fugly children... OMFG! DRACO!"

Knives obviously hadn't been around Hogwarts that long...

Forks proudly showed off her Tatsuha/Ryuichi trophies.

She tried to be demanding like Spoons.

"Now, make out."

Silence.

"Priiiide, they won't make out!" Forks whined.

"Try poking them with my sword," Knives suggested, pulling out a huge-ass sword.

MEANWHILE...

Cloud held his hand out to his motor bike, waiting expectantly...

"HEY! WHERE'S MY HUGE-ASS SWORD?"

BACK TO THE UTENSILS...

"Yeah, Forks, you're too nice, you've gotta THREATEN the bastards," Spoons said, smiling sadistically.

"Where's Edo?" Envy asked.

"IN A MINUTE ENVY!" Spoons roared.

"But... but... EDO!"

"SHUT UP OR I'LL CASTRATE YOU WITH MY BOOTS!"

"...I'll regenerate, you know."

"ENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNVY!"

Spoons stomped over to Ryuichi. "If you don't make-out with Tatsuha I'll kill Kuma."

Ryuichi gasped, horrified.

"With a SPOON!" Spoons cackled, holding up a pretty spoons from Norway. It was pointy, though.

"Man, you can't do that to Kuma!" Ryuichi squeaked.

"I can... and will..."

"And I'd smack him with my sword," Knives added, "kukuku"-ing.

"Hey Knives, I booted Orochimaru."

Knives sniggered. "Good work."

"Who...?"

"Sasuke's pedophile stalker."

"Oh, Naruto!" Forks huffed.

The girls hadn't quite noticed that Ryuichi had attacked Tatsuha. With his mouth.

"-don't understand why you two even understand that show-"

Forks was being ignored as the other two were filming/photographing/putting up lighting the make out fest before them.

Envy tapped his foot impatiently, finally huffing away to look for Ed who was a) angsting b) yelling or c) pole-dancing to Britney Spears.

He bumped into a ... SHAVED HARRY POTTER!?

"Hi, Envy!"

Envy laughed at Harry and walked off looking for Ed.

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, SPOONS!?"

"Uh huh..."

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU!?"

"Uh huh.."

Sadly, the steamy session ended.

"Forks, I'm ashamed," Spoons growled, turning suddenly. "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR YAOI SENSES?"

"Huh?"

"Hawt. Yaoi. Sex," Spoons said, pointing to the panting boys.

"...aw man!"

Knives walked up, sword held over her shoulder coolly. "What about Ed and Envy? Or Harry and Draco?"

The Utensils exchanged looks.

"UTENSILS AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"HERE, ED ED ED ED!!!! HEEEEEEEERE, ED ED ED!!! SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEY!!!!!!!"

"Pride, Ed is not a pig or a chicken..."

"HERE ED ED ED!!"

Forks sighed while Knives tested the air for the almost invisible scent of yaoi that only Utensils and Extreme Fans can smell.

"That way."

The girls walked on, looking like important lawyers that walk down the hall on that show we can't think of right now...

Spoons sensed yaoi on the other side of a random door.

"On, three we open it..."

The other 2 girls nodded enthusiastically.

"One, ... two... THREE! ENV- OH MY GOD!"

-------------------------------

_If you want an update in the next few months, I suggest you review:P _


	4. OH THE FUGLY!

Inside, was a sight of pure horror.

"ARRRRRGH! CHO CHUNG! MY EYES! MY EYES!"

"JESUS! SHE'S MAKING-OUT... WITH A BOY!"

"HOW CAN YOU? THAT'S DISGUSTING! HE'S GAY!" Spoons announced, pointing at Davies menancingly.

"HETROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE DISGUSTING!"

"YOU SINNERS!"

"CRIME AGAINST NATURE!"

This continued for sometime. Knives suddenly stopped.

"GUYS?!"

"What?"

"WHY!?"

"Calm down Pride, but listen! I-if our yaoi senses led us to a," she looked around. "Sexuality-that-must-not-be-named, that means that... WE AREN'T YAOI FANGIRLS!"

All three ran around screaming in horror and terror for about 15 minutes. Until Spoons stopped.

"Or that means that Cho is a boy..."

Silence...

A murmur of "That makes sense." was started.

Smirking, the Utensils turned to face Cho and Davies. Cho shuffled uncomfortably.

"Uh... well... you see..." Cho said, voice still high-pitched.

"Drop the act, fugly girl/man," Knives ordered.

"D-d-dude look like a lady!" Forks sung, head-banging.

"So, she's a he, and he's secretly gay but pretends to be a girl to get men," they pieced together.

"Like Kakashi."

"HIIIIII!"

The Utensils froze, glancing at each other in amazement.

"How does she always know?"

A girl burst into the room. "WHO CALLED MY KAKASHI GAY?"

Forks hid behind Spoons, Knives hid behind Forks. Spoons cowered, holding a scythe in front of them protectively.

"You guys are stingy, why am I always the shield?" she moaned.

"Shut up, Pride! Was it you?"

"No, GP! Sporks! Ma'am!"

Forks peeked over Spoons's shoulder.

"Well, GP... um... M-maybe Kakashi doesn't know his sexuality..." She quickly darted behind Spoons again.

GP gave them a death glare.

"WHAT. DO .YOU. MEAN. BY. THAT, HI?" She ground out, lacing each syllabe with poison and the promise of a merciless death...

Spoons peeked from behind her scythe. "I think what Forks meant was that since you keek ... um, Kakashi in a bag all the time he doesn't know if he's gay or-"

SMACK!

The three girls were running for their lives as Splades came at them with her trusty axe.

"WHY DID YOU SAY THAT, FORKS?!"

"I THOUGHT SHE WOULD LET HIM OUT OF THE BAG!"

Harry watched them pass, blinking owlishly. He sighed. "Bother!"

"AHHHHH!"

Harry fell over.

"Haha, got you Harry!"

"RON!"

Whilst Ron was forcibly ravishing Harry (aka, raping), Sporks was chasing down the other Utensils. They were all screaming at the top of their voices, begging for their lives and screaming over fandoms.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN SAYING SIRIUS IS GAY!"

"HE IS!"

"NO HE'S NOT! NO WAY!"

"SPORKS, DON'T MAKE ME BOOT YOU!"

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE, PRIDE!"

Knives suddenly stopped, sniffing the air. She wrinkles her nose in disgust.

"GP, kill us later - yaoi is occuring."

"Oh god, you're not gonna drag me -"

"FORCEFUL yaoi which isn't HAWT."

Spoons stiffened. "OROCHIMARU'S RAPING YUKI! THE MOSTEROUS PEDOPHILE!"

Sweatdrops.

"...some how I don't think so, Pride..."

Spoons grumbled and crossed her arms. "I get credit for imagination."

The others nodded. Knives polished her giant ass sword, Forks put on her boxing gloves putthing the yaoi fics aside for now, and Pride whipped out her trusty scythe. Sporks looked at them like they were crazy.

"You guys aren't seriously going to go and ... do whatever you're going to do?"

Forks winked. "Believe it, baby."

"HI, DID YOU JUST CALL ME BABY!?"

Forks ran, as did everyone else.

Spoons slapped Forks over the head. "YOU GET HER ANGRY ALL THE TIME!"

"I try…"

Harry was crying. A lot. They could tell listening through the door.

"Ahh! THAT HURTS!"

Knives, Forks and Spoons grinned. "Who do you think it is?"

"Orochimaru."

"Pride, I think you're obsessed..." Sporks sighed.

"...well... erm... he called Tsunade princess!"

"That's a real bad excuse."

"Spoons secretly likes Orochimaru?" Forks considered, shuddering.

"I don't! I just like mocking him!"

"ARRRRRRGGGGGH!"

Spoons kicked the door open. "AH FUCK! NO! THAT'S NOT HOT! THAT'S NO GOOD!"

"SO MANY DISTURBING IMAGES IN ONE DAY!"

Sporks threw up, before pulling out her axe. The others ran around screaming and being down right idiots.

THUD!

Everyone looked up at Sporks, amazed.

"I think you should stop," she said, coolly, pulling her axe from the ground.

The girls looked at Sporks in awe.

"Wow…"

"Cool…"

"Pie…"

Sporks glared viciously at Ron. "Ron, you're a cool character, don't get me wrong-"

"SHE CALLED ME COOL, EVERYBODY!!"

"Shut up, Ron!"

"But you are rather annoying and pansy-ish. Therefore you must die."

"Yeah!"

"Stupid!"

"FUGLY!"

Ron made a noise that sounded like Chewbaka mixed with a snore, grabbed Harry under one arm, and ran off with surprising speed …leaving the Utensils pissed, astounded, and a bit disturbed all in one. They blinked owlishly. Spoons scratched her head.

"Wow... um..."

"Uhh..."

"Yeeeeeeah..."

…

All Utensils looked at each other forming a mental confirmation.

"DRACOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Draco was doing his own thing - meaning his nails - when the Utensils ran up to him, babbling.

"What do you want, womans?"

"Ron kidnapped Harry!"

"And is raping him!"

"And it's not in the good way... it's not smexy!"

"IT'S MESSED UP!" All the Utensils yelled.

"...fine, I'll go..."

Spoons glared.

"Have SOME compassion, man! Your true love is being raped by the ugliest thing to hit the planet aside from Joan Rivers!"

Draco shrugged and stood up.

"Oh, damn." He looked pitiful. "The polish isn't dry yet. This could be-"

"DON'T CARE! JUST GO!"

He was shoved to the door.

"Fine! I'm going! Jeez..."

Forks sniffed and wiped an imaginary tear. "There goes the bravest man on earth..."

The other, aside from Sporks, bowed their heads.

"Amen..."

Silence...

"You guys are pathetic. I'm off to talk with Kakashi."

"He's here?" Spoons asked, blinking in surprise. "When I was in Konoha, I could've sworn I saw him making out with Iruka-sensei..."

Knives and Forks winced.

"Pride! I thought you knew better! DAMMIT KAKASHI ISN'T GAY!"

Spoons walked over, reaching up to pat Sporks on the head. "There, there. I know what it's like to have a crush on a gay character."

Sporks twitched. "PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!"

"You had a crush on a male character?" Forks asked, amazed and horrified.

"I was ten. It was Tidus... ew..."

No-one else knew what she was saying, as usual, but nodded and smiled.

"Let's go after Draco!" Knives suggested, grinning.

Sporks glared and sulked, but followed nevertheless a little irked about the accusation of Kakashi being gay (which he is, I mean look at his hair!). Forks and Spoons walked into a wall reading yaoi fanfics, giggling about how this and that should have been done, and Knives was a little ahead scouting the way.

"SEXY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"

Sweatdrops.

"Aragorn, go away."

Draco, on the other hand, calmly walked down the corridor and sighed. Another menacing problem to deal with, per usual.

"Ron, there's a girl here to see you."

That should have the loser packing this way...

"SEXY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIIII-"

Forks smacked him.

"YOU GET A JOB, ARAGORN!"

Sulking, Aragorn disappeared.

"Isn't he a fairy king or something?" Spoons asked.

She was immediately glared at.

"Hey, I've got Harry," Draco announced, holding a crying and half-naked ex-mullet man.

"That was fast," Knives observed, "how?"

"You're an Indian?"

"No, how did you do it!"

"Magic," Draco replied flatly, walking away.

Spoons gagged suddenly.

"What's wrong, Pride?"

"Harry looked like Voldemort before he was dropped into that pot in the 4th movie..."

A pregnant pause...

"...EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!"

Sporks sighed and walked away. Knives stretched.

"Now, we have to get those bags holding the Gravi characters, find where ever Sasuke and Naruto went and nab Envy and Ed."

They sighed.

"The life of a Utensil-"

"-is very hard. That is what we say-"

"-so thank god for the gay."

All bowed their heads.

"Amen."

"You guys are idiots!"

"Shut up, Sporks!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!"

"... I love you?"

"You are so whipped, man."

"You shut up."

Spoons smiled, giggling. "Can we go after Ed and Envy first?"

The others rolled their eyes.

"Pride, I think you have a problem..." Forks sighed.

"It IS smexy," Knives agreed.

"...isn't that the one with the guy who looks like a girl?" Sporks asked.

"ENVY IS NOT A GIRL! HE'S HAD A VERY, VERY DIFFICULT LIFE! HONESTLY, A COMPILATION OF A MILLION SOULS, ABANDONNED BY HIS BASTARD FATHER AND MANIPULATED BY HIS MOTHER! ENVY-SAMA IS A HERO!" Spoons bellowed, teary-eyed.

"...and yet he's the villain."

"Shuddup."

Knives sighed. "Alright, let's do this. Pride you go after Ed and Envy, Forks you go after the Gravi cast, and I'll go after Sasu and Naru."

"But _I_ wanted to go after them!"

"NO! TAKE WHAT YOU GET!"

Forks grumbled and obliged.

"Fine, but don't blame me when I behead Tatsuha..."

A moment of weird silence...

"Um... okay..."

"I'll do it, man..."

"Riiiight, Forks. Anyway, keep your cells on in case of an emergency and keep an eye peeled for-"

Spoons took out a potatoe peeler with a flourish.

Knives sighed. "It's an expression, Pride."

"Aw, I thought we were going to peel someone's eye!" She gave a pointed look in Ron's general direction.

"My ass is even more rashed now!"

"I TOLD YOU WE DON'T CARE YOU FUCKING MOFO BUSH BABY!" Spoons screamed, booting Ron yet again.

"Whoa! He went through the roof! Nice, Pridie!"

"What about GP?" Spoons asked, looking around for Sporks.

IN A RANDOM SECLUDED AREA BECAUSE HOGWARTS IS DAMN BIG...

"I love you Kakashi!" Sporks hugged him not noticing he was sending Help Signals to the student pointing and laughing at them from a window.

Spoons gave an irked smile.

"She's with Kakashi. Who is sending Help Signals. To a student pointing and laughing. At them from a window."

Silence...

"Pride, I think that's enough cordial for today..."

"No faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair!" Spoons whinned, hitting a high octive.

"Ow! You trying to take an eye out?"

"...gimme a plain roll."

Sweatdrops.

"Let's all split up and get to work on that yaoi, okay?" Knives sighed.

ZOOOOOOOM! Off they raced, in different directions, which stops it from being a real race. Shut up.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE SHUICHIYUKITOHMARYUICHITATSUHAK AND MR. KUUUUUUUUUUMA!!!!!!!!!!!!! HERE-" Forks shouted shrilly throughout the castle. "HEEEEEEEEEEE-"

The chimey version of Joy to The World rang. Forks picked up her cell.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Forks..."

"Hi, Pride!"

"Forks do me a favor, kay?"

"Yeah, anything!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"

Forks held the receiver away rom her ear.

Dial tone.

Forks glowered.

"Heeeeere ShuichiYukiTohmaRyuichiTatsuhaK and Mr. Kuuuuma..."

Cackling, Spoons continued her search.

"Ready steady can't hold me back..."

Nothing.

"Ready steady never look back..."

Zilch.

"Ready steady gimme good luck..."

Zippo.

"LET'S GET STARTED READY STEADY GOOOOOOOOOO!"

Still no sign of life.

"...my plan could use some work..."

"What plan!?"

"AHHHHH!!" CRASH!

Spoons leapt to her feet. "FORKS! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"

"Say 'what plan!?' ?"

"No- yes- WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING FOR THE GRAVI CAST?!"

"Well, I did. And I found them. Or one of them."

"Who was it?"

Forks looked thoughtful. "I don't remember..."

Spoons sweatdropped and face palmed.

"BUT I do remember I didn't like her very much."

"HOW COULD YOU- wait, back up-"

Forks starting backing up.

"NO! What do you mean by 'her'?"

"I meant as in, she's a GIRL."

"HOW COULD ANOTHER GIRL BE HERE?!"

"Dunno..."

Spoons chucked a spazz. And chucked a spazz. And chucked a spazz. Forks sipped her slurpee with joy.

"Spoons, I remember now. I'll wait 'till your finished spazzing..."

It's always polite to let your sensei have their spazz time, children. They need it dealing with kids like you.

"Okay, okay, I'm calm," Spoons announced coolly.

"SEXY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"

SMACK!

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"Calm, huh?" Forks sweatdropped.

"Who was the girl?" Spoons demanded.

Forks began to wonder if her sensei needed stress relief...

Forks scratched the back of her head. "It's Mika..."

Spoons calmly took an ugly 1st year, held him in a head lock, and with a sickening crack, broke his neck.

"Forks."

Then, in Pride's rage, she went on a rampage and KILLED Remus!

"Forks!"

She then attacked Buckbeak and chewed his feathers-

"FORKS!"

"Huh?" Forks's thought cloud burst with a loud pop.

"Don't daydream when we're talking..."

Forks looked ashamed. "Hai, sensei..."

"Anyway, who is it?"

"Oh, it's Mika."

Spoons twitched (a more and more common occurence...)

"WHAT!?"

"Uh-huh."

"SHE'LL GET IN THE WAY HORDING TOHMA AND YUKI! YOU CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN, FORKS!"

"Hai, sensei!"

"YOU MUST BE A UTENSIL!"

"Hai, sensei!"

"YOU MUST KILL MIKA!"

"FORKS!"

The dream cloud popped again.

"Huh?"

"STOP DAYDREAMING AND GO FIND HER AND TELL HER TO LEAVE!"

"Hai, sensei!"

Spoons shook her head, watching Forks sprinting off.

"Haruhi help me..." she groaned.

"Who's Haruhi?"

"AH!" Spoons shrieked, spinning around with a hook-kick. "ENVY! DON'T DO THAT!"

"Don't kick people who're just asking a question."

"ARE YOU BACK-CHATTING?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay."

"...who's Haruhi?" Envy repeated, surprised at Spoon's very, very, very rare calmness.

"Suzumiya, Haruhi, from the Melacholy of Suzumiya Haruhi. She's God but doesn't know it."

"...huh."

"TO EDO!" Spoons shouted suddenly, yanking Envy along behind her.

"-the Utensil calmly stalks her prey like a lion of the plains... She checks right!"

Naturally, Forks looked left.

"She checks left!"

She looked right.

"Spotting no dangerous Teachers, Professors, or Teammates running away singing "Ready Steady Go" with Envy under their arm screaming about back chatting and kicking people when they just ask a question... the Utensil moves on..."

Forks did an army crawl behind a statue and rolled to a defensive crouch.

"All arms, locked and ready!"

She did some shifty eyes. Then reached to her belt and grabbed a thing that looked like a gun with a hook at the end. She remembered Spoons's long boring speech about how to use your weapons wisely and not to waste them. She'd been playing Game Boy then and not listening to the lecture.

Forks grabbed the hooked gun and fired it at the ceiling. It hit with a crack, a rope hanging from the hook. She swung on it, yowling like a banshee.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

Then the rope broke. CRASH! THUD!

"...owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..."

Forks dusted herself off and looked up. AT EIRI YUKI!

Yuki looked frightened for a second. It looked as if a mouse had walked right up to a cat. They both stared at each over for a minute...

THEN YUKI TOOK OFF RUNNING!

"YUKI, WAIT! MY SENSEI NEEDS YOUR YAOI!!" I WILL NOT HURT YOU, FOR I AM NOT A FAN GIRL, BUT A CERTIFIED YAOI NINJA!!! WHICH IS LIKE A FAN GIRL, BUT WAAAAAAAAAY DIFFERENT! YUKI!"

Forks ran after him waving a signed piece of paper all Utensils had to have telling people that they were apart of the CYNU or Certified Yaoi Ninja Utensil.

"Ready steady can't hold me back," Spoons sung. She glared back at Envy. "YOUR FAULT!"

"You honestly think singing "Ready, Steady, GO!" will lure chibi-chan out?"

"...yeah...well...your dad."

Envy's eye twitched heavily. "FUCKING BASTARD I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM AND WILL RIP HIS INTESTINES OUT AND STRANGLE HIM WITH THEM!"

"...hey, Envy, think we're related?"

"Think you're stoned?"

"I'M AN ALCHOHOLIC, NOT A STONER!" Spoons bellowed. "Now, new song; Riraito!"

"Oh crap..."

"AND SING THIS TIME!"

Envy sighed heavily.

Forks could hear distant yelling from a random room.

"Spoons must have pissed off Envy. ... Or Envy pissed off Spoons, either way it leaves you with yelling!" She concluded, knowing her sensei could split underwater volcanoes if she yelled loud enough.

Forks looked for Yuki high and low, but to no avail. The man had just disappeared like the NSYNC band. Sighing, she quickly noted the NSYNC joke in a random notebook to use for future funnies, then she sat down.

She quickly jumped up when she sat ON something, and looked at it.

It was audibly pink.

Forks hissed and retreated a few steps (pink not being a favorite of hers) then realized her luck.

"YES! I FOUND TEH MR. KUMA!"

Cackling she scooped up the bear, did some shifty eyes hunched protectively over the bear/bunny, then tip toed down the hallway.

"WHERE OH WHERE COULD ENVY'S CHIBI BEEEEEEEEEEEEE?"

Envy's eye twitched.

"WHERE OH WHERE HAS ENVY'S CHIBI GOOOOONE?"

Envy's entire body was twitching.

"Hmm, he's smarter than I thought..." Spoons sighed.

"He IS a prodigy."

"Yeah, well, he can't be very smart since he won't surrender to the yaoi side!" Spoons snapped.

"...true."

"Okay, so, Envy, when we find him, you go "I try to live without you, everytime I do I feel dead"," Spoons instructed. "Possibly adding "I know what's best for me but I want you instead"."

"You tragic romantic," Envy groaned, "you sound like Lust."

"I stole it from Three Days Grace, jeez..."

Forks stopped and panted. "This... really... isn't ... working!"

She threw down the bear/bunny in her frustration and sulked for a minute, quoting "Emo Kid" by Adam and Andrew.

"My life is a black abyss..." She slumped against the wall. "It is slowly spiraling downwards... I hate it..."

She stopped when she heard a sound.

"OH WEHRE OH WHERE-"

"Jeez, Pride..."

"Hey, Forks!" Spoons greeted, waving manically.

"Help me..." Envy whispered.

"Pride, have you been shoting straight cordial again?"

"...no," Spoons replied, eyes shifty.

"Liar!"

"Hahaha! You're wearing SHOES!"

Forks gave a once over at Envy and mouthed, "it can't be that bad..." over her shoulder.

Spoons was babbling about shoes, again.

Forks sighed, nodding and agreeing with her every few sentences when she noticed something.

"EGADS, PRIDE! RON IS HITTING ON ED!"

Spoons stiffened, glaring around. "Oh hell NO!" she screamed, clicking and pulling out her scythe.

"Where'd the scythe come from?"

Forks shrugged. "No-one knows..."

"CALLING ALL UTENSILS! AND ENVY! WE MUST KICK RON'S ASS! SPLADES! KNIVES! SPORKS! GET OVER HERE!" Spoons screamed at the top of her voice.

Forks whined.

"BUT, PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE... I'm close to finding Ryuichi!"

"NO!"

Knives jumped down from somewhere and glared.

"PRIDE! I WAS _THIS_ CLOSE TO CATCHING KIBA!!"

"NO!"

Forks pouted. "Fine, finefinefine. We'll help you, even though you could kick their ass alone and with Envy, but ..."

She didn't know how to finish the sentence so she just stamped her foot.

Knives resembled Kiba a bit with pointy fangs and a glare plastered on her face, but she didn't say anything.

Spoons raised her hand triumphantly. "WE WILL PREVAIL-" She sighed and tapped her foot, looking at her Utensil's Watch. "WHERE THE HELL IS SPLADES?!"

Splades, the fifth Utensil, was at home when it happened.

"CALLING ALL UTENSILS! AND ENVY! WE MUST KICK RON'S ASS! SPLADES! KNIVES! SPORKS! GET OVER HERE!"

"Spoons!" Splades cried, leaping to her feet. Quickly, she grabbed her toggle coat, buttoning it up. "Wonder what Ron's done... hit on Envy?"

Splades shuddered at the idea.

"Wait, Envy-kun would rip that fugly's heart right out... unless... HE WAS TIED UP WITH ANTI-HOMUNCULUS ROPES!"

Somehow, (Never question a Utensil) Splades made it to Hogwarts where Spoons, Forks, Knives and Envy stood, Spoons tapping her Utensil watch impatently.

"Envy-kun!" Splades squealed, promptly glomping the Homunculus.

"Shit, there's more of you freaks?" Envy groaned.

"Splades, Ron is hitting on Edo!" Spoons announced.

"...gross..."

"AND WHERE THE HELL IS GP?"

SOMEWHERE IN A SECLUDED AREA BECAUSE HOGWARTS IS SO DAMN BIG...

"And I said, yeah right! Isn't that funny Kakashi? Kakashi? KAKASHI!"

Kakashi was trying to tiptoe silently away when Splades caught and attacked him.

She sat on him, frowning. "You're learning bad habits from Pride..."

Her Utensils Cell gave a horrific cry.

"CALLING ALL UTENSILS! AND ENVY! WE MUST KICK RON'S ASS! SPLADES! KNIVES! SPORKS! GET OVER HERE!"

Splades sighed and whipped out her handy dandy pillow case.

"In Kakashi."

With a sigh, the man hopped into the bag as Splades swung him over her shoulder with Ultra Human Strength, and made her way to the others.

"...so, you're blonde, huh? I got red hair...and a rashed ass."

Ed shivered, glancing around desperately for an escape. There wasn't one. He was cornered by some hideous creature, the one those Utensil girls seemed to hate so much.

"I think you're HOT."

"So do lots of people - mostly men for some reason - but get the hell away from me!" Ed snapped.

Ron giggled. Shuddering, Ed pressed harder against the wall, willing for it to consume him. Sadly, walls do not consume people who are about to be raped by some fugly, rashed teenager.

_'Envy...'_ Ed thought rather sweetly as he scrunched his eyes tightly shut.

Ed flinched as he felt Ron's breath on his lips. The red head was about to move in when suddenly-

"STOP, IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND ... UTENSILY!"

A sigh of aggravation.

"Very nice opening speech there, Pride. No, really I applaud the effort."

"Shut up, Forks."

The Utensil stood in an assembled line as followed: Spoons, Forks, Knives, Sporks, and Splades, all holding a weapon of choice. Standing a little ahead of them and flanked with Knives on his right, and Sporks on his left, was Envy. AND HE LOOKED... PISSED.

"**What the hell-**"

Spoons stopped him.

"Don't waste your breath on this piece of trash, Envy. Let Knives handle it."

"Oh, so I'm the equivalent of a piece of trash!?"

"TALK, WOMAN!"

Knives sighed, and leaned against her big ass Cloud sword casually.

"Ahem, Ron? Newsflash here: YOU ARE UGLY AND HATED. You're also stealing Envy's chibi boyfriend-"

"I AM NOT A CHIBI! NOR AM I HIS BOYFRIE-"

"Zip it, you Misplaced It's-a-Small-World-After-All robot. As I was saying, RELEASE THE CHIBI AND NO ONE GETS HURT..."

Forks did some jazz hands to emphasize this, Sporks sighed dropping her pillow case ("Do I really have to be here?" "Yes, you do.") ignoring the loud "Ow!" from within it, and Splades grinned manically waiting for a fight. Spoons had a vein throbbing in her head noticeably, and was beating her fists together. Forks cleared her throat, took out a scroll from her giant book, and read aloud.

"Today will be thy day of reckoning to thine Ugly Red Headed Ginger Kid. Thoust beady pig eyes with be ripped from thine's sockets, and smashed under a mighty ... pillow ... case... yes... Um, and thine head will be staked and posted on thine Castle Gate to warn intruders-"

"JUST SHUT UP, AND ATTACK!"

Ron screamed in fear, ripping off a fingernail and hiding behind it.

"...what the fuck?"

"It's RON, Pride!"

"Ah, I forgot..."

The other Utensils groaned.

"...um...so...attacking?"

"HUZZAH! BANANAS AND MELONS!" Four cried, before glaring at Sporks.

"GP!"

"I'm not saying that."

"FINE! Bring the WHOLE TEAM down!"

"GP, you mofo..."

GP sat back in her Kakashi sun chair and watched the battle commence.

"Kakashi!"

Kakashi crawled out of the bag, dragging his feet.

"You rang, ma'am?"

"Fetch me a lemonade and a puppy."

"Okay..."

Forks and Knives exchanged looks. Both did some odd hand signals then yelled, "NAKED MODEL NO JUTSU!"

Immediately, Itachi ran across the scene wearing nothing but a hair net. Everyone watched in horror/amusement. It didn't have the desired effect on Ron who just got a nosebleed and stared a bit too intently.

"Another one!"

"Right!"

Both did more hand jives and yelled, "YOUR MOM NO JUTSU!"

"YOUR MOM IS SO FAT SHE USES THE OCEAN AS A BATH TUB!"

"YOUR MOM IS SO UGLY SHE HAD TO MOVE TO ATLANTIS AND THAT'S WHY IT SUNK!"

Ron scratched an armpit absentmindedly.

"Shit! It's not doing anything, Spoons! He's immune!"

Spoons cracked her knuckles before raising her deadly scythe.

"This is going to be entertaining..."

"Ronald Weasly if you don't get a FUCKING LIFE in FIVE SECONDS I'm gonna rip you head off and give it to Zim so he can use it in his mission!" Spoons yelled.

"One..."

"Oh man, she's really gonna do it?"

"Two..."

"EDO! C'mere!"

"Three..."

"Fuck that was scary, that kid was gonna RAPE me!"

"Four..."

"Eep."

"FIVE! GOT A LIFE YET?" Spoons bellowed.

Ron's eyes widened. He shook his head before sprinting off.

"UTENSILS! WE GIVE CHASE!" Spoons announced.

"Do we really have to? You got that shortie back..." Sporks asked, rolling her eyes.

"Uh-oh..."

"WHO-ARE-YOU-CALLING-A-SHRIMP-SO-SMALL-YOUR-MAN-WHORE-WHO'S-GAY-CAN-CRUSH-HIM-WITH-ONE-FINGER?" Ed screamed.

"Uh-oh..."

"DID YOU JUST CALL _MY_ KAKASHI A _MAN-WHORE_?"

"Pridey, can we please run?" Knives asked.

"Yeah Spoon-san, it's not safe here!"

"Fine... let's go kidnap someone," Spoons sighed. "Forksies, who?"

* * *

_Left it there because that's all we've done. Forksies is going away somewhere and I'm focusing on other stories, Yami no Matsuei and DNAngel :p_

_REVIEW ARE NICE! LIKE A MOOSE!_


End file.
